just thinking

So I am sitting here under the hair dryer getting my hair done by my sis n law and I can't help but think...am I happy with my life? I don't know if it's the smell of the haircolor, the heat from the dryer, or the monotonous drone of the contraption I am sitting under but I begin to wonder what have I done with my life? Every day we live our lives as though we are in a race to get things done yet in actuality accomplish nothing. I mean yes we get and go to work, do our jobs and all but what are we really getting done that is of any significance to ourselves or others? We interact with so many people on a given day that you would think that somewhere throughtout the blur of the day you did something or said something that meant more than anything to at least one person who crossed your path. What about the things we don't do? I have spent many a night laying awake wondering what could I have done differently to make someone else's day better? I like to think I live my life according to God's plan yet many times I can't help but think that there's gotta be something more for me. I miss being in the classroom with the kiddos and yet have I done anything about it? Do we do all we can to reach our goals and dreams or just give up when it seems like too much work? Why don't we follow our hearts and do what makes us happy so that in turn those around are also touched by our giving hearts? I don't mean seeking selfish satisfaction in our lives but to look for a way to fulfill dreams that make us better people closer to God. I truly believe that when you give yourself to God and are pure of heart that anything is possible. The only thing is that sometimes it can be challenging to do the right thing by God especially when it brings us happiness , because we all deserve to happy right? Well I have found that unless you live your life by God's laws and do right by Him then you are only fooling yourself into thinking you are happy when in essence it is nothing but the Devil taking control and taking you further away from your faith in God. It does not take much to find true happiness when you turn your faith to Him. He will never let you down so long as you ask that He will provide for you and then you have to believe it and only then will you receive your happiness.

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ready for change

I cannot seem to figure out what it is I want anymore.  Just when I think I have started to figure things out I get thrown for a loop and the confusion sets in all over again.  I just feel like there's something more, something bigger for me to do with my life.  Let's face the facts here though, I am not getting any younger.  The more I try to get rid of old habits the more I end up  missing them and wanting to revert to my old ways.  There is something to be said about being in your comfort zone.I mean really, who wants to go through change not knowing what the outcome will hold? It is always easier to stick with what you know.  Maybe i just need to pray for more guidance and believe that God will show me the way.  All I do know is that i want to be happy and provide the best possible life for my children.  I want my reality to play out like a fairytale. I want to feel like a princess and I don't think that just because I need affirmations that make me feel good as a person it does not mean that I have self esteem issues! Is it so bad to want to hear nice things on a daily basis. I am probbably one of the most positive, happy, peppy people you will ever meet but if I don't get that in return I find that my mood takes a turn for the worse and I become defensive and combative.  I will continue to be me and hope for the best. The only difference this time is that I determine my fairytale ending. I am doing me so that I can be the very best i can be for my kids. I want nothing but the best for them and above all I want for them to be as happy as can be.

i promise me

It's always easy to say you are gonna do something. The real challenge comes when you have to actually follow through with your actions and make those words a reality. I have decided to make no promises to anyone until I can make good on promises to me. I promise to put in a good workout at least 4-5 times a week. I promise to be nicer to myself and to treat my body as the temple that it is. I promise to give myself 100% at completing the tasks no matter how big or small that I set before me. I promise to love me first so that I can give others the same kind of love they deserve. I promise to make myself happy so that those around me can also be happy by being around me. I promise to finish what I start and only start that which I will finish. I have so much to do and yet I have done so little. I vow to make this upcoming school year THE year that I get things done in every aspect of my life. I have asked and I believe and now I will wait to receive that which will come to me. I count my blessings daily and am forever grateful for all that is bestowed upon me. I just feel like there is something more that I need to do . Like there is a bigger purpose out there for me to serve. I can't seem to shake this feeling that there is something that I have yet to do. I pray for the guidance to seek that which is yet to be found. I promise to search and to do what it takes until this is complete. I promise me to keep my promises.

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Dazed and confused

I am afraid not much has changed since the last post. In fact it only feels like things are getting worse. Do you ever get the feeling that you should be the opposite of what you currently are? Whether it is a physical or emotional state, do you ever get the feeling that there is something missing?  That there is something more?  I can't seem to shake this feeling and it is driving me insane.  I need to stop waiting for things to happen and start making them happen at whatever cost.  Everything happens for a reason right? But what happens when we inflict our own circumstances upon ourselves?  I thought that a new look (new haircut and color) would change my attitude and make me see things differently and it did to a certain extent but now I still feel like it is not enough.  I want more and feel that I deserve it. I just want to move on with my life and yet I feel trapped with no way out of current conditions.  I recently read the book The Secret and I  felt so empowered after I read it.  The feeling continued for a little while and then reality decided to slap me in the face and hard.  If we are the makers of our own destiny then why isn't this easier?  All I know is that I want to be happy. I would love for the feeling to last all day long into the next day but I will even settle for just one whole day.  I want that euphoric feeling to never end and I just can't seem to make it happen. I need to feel validated as a wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, and most of all ...a woman but instead of seeking it within myself I continue to look for this validation from others.  I know that I am the only one who can make myself happy so why am I not happy?  Does this mean that I am the cause of my unhappiness. Am I the one to blame for misery I feel day in and day out? Is my current emotional state a result of my own doing?  I wake up praying and fall asleep praying for answers.  I ask the Lord for help and guidance to make better choices when I understand that I alone am to blame for the wrong decisions I knowingly make. 

I just don't know if I still want the same things I thought I did before.  It's funny because I grew up truly believing that life was like it was in the movies and fairytales. I really wanted to believe that I could have all of those things I had dreamt about as a child.  I  wanted my own happily ever after and never did it occur to me that there was any other way to be.  Now I have been told that I was crazy for ever thinking that life was going to be like it is in the movies and that I need to realize that life is not full of happy endings. I must admit that for some time I gave in to that way of thinking and feel like the life has been sucked right of me.  I now realize as I am typing this that I still want to believe that life can be like a movie with its happy ending and I  intend to make it so. I just have to believe it and disregard all the negativity around me and just focus on the fairytale I wish to live out.   

Lovin' my lexapro (deux)

Okay so I had this really great blog that I did last night from my phone and it is nowhere to be found this morning. Probably a good thing too, since it was more like a vent fest than a blog worthy of note. Anywho, so much has happened since the last blog that I just don't even know where to begin.  God bless the person who invented lexapro, because without it I would be a complete "nutjob". Not to say that I am in any way sane, but at least I am not walking around with the urge to hit people and I am able to bite my tongue enough to not put a gaping hole the size of Texas in it. I feel so defeated and drained. I just want to be happy, that's all! Is that too much to ask? I am not happy anymore. I am tired of trying to "fix" things. I am tired of always being the one to make things better. My patience is wearing very thin and I just feel so done with everything.  If after all this time I can't make things clear enough to understand then how am I ever supposed to. I just want to be the very best I can be for my babies and if it comes at the risk of being selfish then so be it. I have come to the realization that I need to find my own happiness by whatever means possible. I just hope and pray that God will guide me down the right path and show me the way.

new year means...change!

So the new year has arrived and already one month in and so much has happened. We have officially moved back in with the inlaws but it is going very well. We are helping each other out in that FIL is having to retire early so we can help out financially and i am in class mon-thurs so it is nice for the kids to be with someone who takes as much care of them as i do. This way i can focus on my studies and get done as soon as possible. It is all a matter of perspective and i choose to look at this in a positive way. That's just me.
On the work front....well that's a different story. Work itself is awesome. I work with the most wonderful people in the world and for the most amazing principal anyone could ever have. I have come to dislike many of the parents whose children we teach. I have a problem with ignorant people who resort to petty accusations and anctics to try to prove things that are not so. If half of these parents spent even a fraction of their time teaching their children basic fundamental skills as they do gossiping, it would make our jobs that much more rewarding and the students that much more productive. I just don't get it and i guess i never will. It's a shame that people can feel that way about one of the safest schools i have ever seen. Maybe they should actually spend more time at the school via volunteering or just getting to know the teachers by actually attending the conferences,etc so that they can really know where they are sending their children everyday and who with. Because obviously they have no clue, which is very sad. All i know is that this school is my kids' second home and they love it and i have never felt any threat to their safety...oh yeah and i volunteer at almost every event while working fulltime and going to school fulltime so i have NO sympathy for parents who say they do not have time for these things. Your kids should be so important that you make the time regardless of your schedule. Just sayin!
Let me get off my soapbox before i get angry. School is going great! This semester is very demanding but it is what it is. I just have to stay on task and make sure i hold myself accountable for my work. It is all up to me to do well and so my grades will reflect my efforts. No pressure:) i can do this. Nothing worth it comes easy and i am not a quitter so let's do this! It all comes down to excellent multi-tasking skills and efficient time management.

My baby girl turned 11 this past week and she is getting so big. I still remember when she was born. i do not worry much about her. She has a great head on her shoulders and was taught to live her life with PAW pride at williams. Postive attitude,Act responsibly, and Wise choices are the things she tries to live by and i think she does a pretty good job. Don't get me wrong she is still 11 and thinks she knows it all but at least i know that when it really counts she does what's right. Instead of a party she has asked to go to medieval times so that is what we are going to do. She absolutely LOVES horses so i am sure she will enjoy it. I tease her that we have snow every year since she was born because the day she was born it iced and snowed and it has ever since at least a little. On that note...

Today is day 4...yes 4 of lock down at home due to inclement weather. This has got to be one for the record books! First it "thundersleeted" on tuesday and iced up all the roads. Wednesday was fun with icy everything outside (hockey rink icy) and to top it off rolling blackouts ALL day long for the lucky ones. We must have been super special in our area because we had NO power all day! We just sat around the fireplace(thank goodness) until dark. Talk about family bonding:) Thursday was still icy since temps have not been above 20's all week. We ventured out to visit mom and dad but even the sidewalks were dangerous. Not the safest driving conditions either. Today we woke to about 5 inches of snow on top of the ice! This is Texas people! This doesn't happen in Texas! Not to mention we are hosting the super bowl at cowboys stadium in arlington. Those northerners (Steelers vs. Packers) must be laughing at us. We should get some sun and above freezing by tomorrow so hopefully a sense of normalcy will return soon. If not maybe we should all look at this as a sign to relax and take it easy. To enjoy the company of those around us and not take it for granted that tomorrow is never promised today. Well folks, my kiddos are waking up and amazed by the snow...so off we go to make some memories!

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