Reflections

It's mid morning and hubby has gone off to work, the children are still enjoying their sweet slumber, and all is quiet in the house. I try to go back to sleep and take advantage of the calm before the storm but try as I may I can not go back to sleep. I slowly trudge to to the kitchen and decide to pour myself a cup of coffee. Of course it is the last bit of coffee in the coffee pot, since hubby had his fill before he left and took some to go. I could get mad that I have to drink the last of the coffee but since I am taking part in the "Get Happy" Challenge I make an effort to be thankful that I at least get to enjoy one cup of coffee with my french vanilla creamer before I get on with my day. I decide to walk past the dishes left in the sink ignoring the remnants that my betrothed has left for me and leave them for later. Afterall I am only going to add to the stack already there once the kids are awake. I take my cup of coffee and open the blinds to the backyard to let the light shine in. As I sit at the computer desk looking out at the light rain beginning to fall I find myself in deep contemplation. So much has happened this year that I take a moment to reflect on the good as well as the bad that has transpired trying to make sense of it all and this is what I have learned.
As the year comes to an end I stop to consider what is going on around me. I see family getting evicted, financial woes that seem to never end , unrequitted love, regrets, failure to succeed, vices that take care over one's life, and no faith that any of this will ever be resolved. I look at the famliy getting evicted thinking that there should be more I can do but I can't. I do not have enough room in my small home for such a big family and feel guilty that I cannot do more. Not to mention the fact that if I take them in, it will cause major conflict with other family members who I rely on a daily basis for other needs. That is one crossfire I do not wish to be in the middle of. Does that make me a bad person for taking my own needs into consideration first? The financial woes have just gotten worse through out the year for everyone. We all seem to keep digging ourselves in deeper rather that getting out of the hole we are all in. I used to say when I was younger that I would never let my family go through what we had to. That I would do better so that my family would have better. Yet here we are repeating the same vicious cycle that are parents had to deal with and to some extent are still dealing with. The transition from the my last job to this one has been very difficult financially but I keep telling myself that once I have that degree in my hand it will have all been worth it. I could kick myself for not finishing college when I was younger before we had kids but no sense in looking back at what could've been . I need to put all that energy and focus into what needs to be done and do it! Better late than never. right? I have no regret in changing jobs although I do miss my old paychecks (esp the Christmas bonus). I still wouldn't change it for anything. I work with some amazing teachers who I have learned so much from and who I look forward to continue learning from. Not only are they amazing coworkers but some of my closest friends who I am so thankful for. Nothing worth it comes easy is what I keep telling myself so I can not wait to have my own classroom and that in itself is my motivation to keep moving forward. The Lord never gives you more than He knows you can handle right? So I have to look at things in that respect and believe that everything will always work out in the end. I never said it was easy. I have to remind myself that things could always be worse and our problems are small in comparison.

All you need is love....bababadada. We use to joke when we were first married that we didn't need any money we would live off love. It was easy to believe that then. It gets a little harder as time goes on and life weighs you down. It's easy to tell someone you love them but to show them is a whole different story. There are so many ways to love a person. You love your spouse, your kids, everyone in your family,and your friends. How can you make a conscious effort to show someone you love them? Easier said than done. Many people believe that money can buy happiness because with money you want for nothing. That may be true for some and maybe even for little while, but what happens when the money is gone? Then what? It's easy to complain about what people don't do rather than point out something positive they did do. Trust me, I've tried! I have come to realize that it is the simple things that make me happy and make me feel loved. That being the case for me, I figure the same goes everyone else. I like to be listened to not just heard. Little things like a touch, a handwritten letter or note, a text or email, spending time together doing anything, even just talking can be some of the most considerate things one can do for a loved one. A kind gesture of any sort done out of love and with no intention of receiving anything in return can be some of the most wonderful things one can do for another. It doesn't have to cost a thing. This topic brings to mind a friend who is in a relationship with someone who does not want to commit permanently. If you truly love the person then why wouldn't you want to spend the rest of your life with them bound in holy matrimony under the eyes of God? I say stop waiting and live your life to the fullest. I believe that there is someone for everybody and when it's right you just know. You really do! If it's not there then move on, don't waste your time waiting for something to change because if it's not there from the beginning it probably never will be.

Live your life and do what you want, when you want. Life's too short to live with regret. If something comes along and you find yourself asking "what if?", just do it (so long as no one else is hurt in the process). Find your passion in life and do something with it. There's nothing better than being able to do what you love for a living. It's then and only then that it is no longer a job or a chore. It's something you live for and love to do. It's fun! When you stop enjoying what you do it's time to move on and find something else. Believe it or not your attitude affects others around you and when you are miserable it makes everyone else around you miserable too. So do yourself and others a favor and do what you love!
As you embark on this journey called life I have learned that it is important to finish what you start. Failure is not an option! One can find success in many different ways. Attempt to finish the little things first before moving on to the big things on your list. It can be as small as finishing a book you started reading but never had time to finish to cleaning out your closet. We all need to be held accountable for our successes and failures. Make a list of what you want to accomplish. Start with a a long term goal and then break it down into smaller short term goals. This way you have to do the short term to achieve the ultimate long term goal. It's easier to understand what your expectations are when they are clearly written out. This way you and only you are held accountable for does or does not get done. I firmly believe that you can accomplish anything once you put your mind to it. You have to believe in yourself and then anything is possible.

I consider myself a simple person. I love my life. I love my husband and my children more than they could ever know. I love my family & friends and my job. I am content with what I have and though I do strive for better (as does everybody) I am not looking to live in a world consumed by materialism. I am cursed with being the eternal optimist and always trying to find the bright side of everything. Many around me do not look at things in the same way and that can can cause conflicts. It's these conflicts that confirm what I already know to be true... everything happens for a reason. Although it may seem that nothing makes sense there is always a greater power at work that wills these things to be. I have long stopped questioning why things happen and have come to just accept things for what they are and make the best of it. This has has been very hard to do when surrounded by naysayers who are always the "victim" of life and its downfalls. I am by no means a saint and I have my own imperfections and vices. I believe in the forgiveness of sins and try to live everyday a little bit better than the last. Things usually get worse before they get better. At the end of the day life is what you schoose to make of it. If I have learned anything at all this year it is this ...My faith is stronger than it has ever been and I feel more at peace knowing that the Lord is on my side.

Too much time to think!

Tomorrow will officially be two weeks since my surgery. I feel okay for the most part, until I try to over do it and then I feel the pain again. But somebody has to get things done around here! I hate just laying here or sitting here and taking it "easy". I don't even think I know how to do that. I feel like there is always something that needs to be done and I have to be the one to do it. My kids are the best ever and have really tried to get things done for me but they are only kids. My husband tries in his own way but maybe I am just being too hard on him. I have spent too much time reading posts on a website for women who have had hysterectomies recently and what they are going through and I have to admit that I am jealous! I want to feel like the pampered princesses I am reading about. I want everyone around me to do everything to my liking, but here in my real world it is not happening. I know we are both stressed with Christmas right around the corner and not being able to do near as much as we are used to for our kids or family but life goes on.
While I have been at home I have spent some time reading books and magazines. I think now would be a good time to exercise something that I read recently. I have decide to be a part of the Woman's Day magazine year-long "Get Happy Challenge". I like to think of myself as a pretty peppy person to begin with so I figure this shouldn't be too hard. However, since my surgery I feel really emotional and can be quite a crybaby. This month's challenge is ..........REMEMBER LOVE. Okay so what exactly does that mean? Well I read that even though we think that we act the way we do because of the way we feel it is quite the contrary. So since we act because of the way we feel it should be quite a challenge to remind myself to act the way I want to feel. I would like to commit to be less demanding of others and be happy for what I have. I would like to be able to appreciate others for what they are and not try to change them into something I think they should be. The writer of the article mentioned trying to be more tender and loving with her husband which at this point doesn't sound like a bad idea to me either. I will make a consciuos effort everyday to point out to my husband something he has done that makes me love him. I think sometimes we take for granted others around us. We expect things to be a certain way and when they are not we often make it a point to complain about it. What we should be doing is telling others how we feel about the "expected" things they do on a daily basis. It's the little things we seem to take for granted. It's also those same little things that our loved ones need to know we appreciate about them. Funny how we lose sight of the simple things in life. So I ask all of you to join me in this endeavor and commit to the Get Happy Challenge so that we can not only find happiness in ourselves but share it with those around us.

Been awhile

It has been a while since my last blog and so much has happened. Today is recovery day 6 from surgery. Just when I think I'm feeling better and can get back to normal ...there's a setback. Last Wednesday I had a laprascopic complete hysterectomy. Not by choice. I went in over the summer for my annual checkup and to discuss possibly having one more baby. Well to my dismay the doctor found some irregularities and told me carrying a baby would not be recommended. She wanted me to have few ultrasounds and bloodwork and what not, then finally came to the conclusion that I would need to have the procedure. She wanted to do it right away but found that I was too anemic to undergo any kind of surgery. We scheduled for October so that I could try some injection therapies to get me ready for surgery. Since it would require some time off, I decided to try to move the date to December to use our winter break to recover. The doctor was hesitant but we started the injections late due to some insurance issues so it would have to do. I did really well with the injections and was anxious to get this over with because the pain was getting worse. During this time I found out that my younger sister had been diagnosed with stage 1 ovarian cancer. Luckily it was caught early enough that they were hoping they could freeze the cells with injection therapies. So far this has worked. With this information I was even more anxious to get this done. So finally the day came. Al went really well except that I found out the hard way that me and anesthesia don't mix well. I was the first one in that morning and the last one out. It was performed at an out patient surgery center which still astounds me. They just get you in and out for pretty much anything nowadays. After a few exorcist moments I was finally able to go home. I was pretty doped up, so didn't feel much of anything until the next day. The next couple days felt like I had been beaten with a baseball bat. I tried to be superwoman and tell myself I did not need pain meds. I really hate the way they make me feel. I wised up quick and gave in to the power of pain relief. It has been reaaly hard for me to sit back and not be able to do anything around the house or for my family. When you're used to being the one who does everything it is very upsetting when you have to sit back and give up the reigns. You feel like a failure. To make matters worse there are only 10 days til Christmas and I was not able to prepare before surgery. I have the best kids though. They understand what the true meaning of Christmas is and are always happy with whatever they receive. They also know that it is always better to give than to receive. Today is the first day I have been able sit up for more than 30 minutes in an upright position. I am still feeling very dizzy and some pain on the left side but I know it will get better over time. I am very thankful to be surrounded by wonderful people who go out of their way to help me and for that I am blessed. I figure I will use this time to start some projects as soon as I feel better and see what happens. Wish me luck!

need to find my happy place

Today I want to talk, or rather vent about some things that are on my mind and really buggin' me. I try to be a good person and live my life accordingly. I do my best to help whenever and however I am able. Why is it that people can't be good to others just to be good to others? It seems that some people help others just to show them that they can and then expect immediate reciprocation of some sort. They are constantly judging your every move and making assumptions that are nowhere near the truth. If you are going to do something good and help someone out in a time of need, then do it because you truly want to. Do so because in your heart you know it is the right thing to do and you expect nothing from it in return. Don't bring it up constantly and boast to others of what you were able to do. If all you are going to do is complain about what you gave up to help someone then just save yourself the trouble and don't do it. If it is not done with sincerity in your heart then don't bother. If all you're going to do is make a spectacle of the whole thing then why did you even bother in the first place. Sincerity is lost in our culture. Why can't we just go back to a simpler time in life when everyone helped everyone else because that was the thing to do and you expected nothing in return but a "Thank You".

A little late

So I missed my Monday therapy session. I'm actually doing okay! I had a fantastic time yesterday at the movies with Sandy & Kaydi! You two are awesome. It was only fitting to watch NewMoon with the two people responsible for turning me into a Twi-hard. We should do that more often and make a day of it next time! Can't wait til Eclipse comes out in June. So mark your calenders ladies..we have a movie date!
I have accomplished so much on my "to do list". Yay me! I was able to clean the entire house ( including laundry)and put up all of Christmas decorations. It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas..at least in my house. The kids were a big help and they are really proud of how all of their hard work paid off. I used to be very meticulous when it came to decorating for the holidays but finally realized that I had to stop being so anal and enjoy it for what it is. Now I LOVE letting the kids help and I must say I think I've rubbed off on them because they are actually picky about how they decorate..heeheee. Marissa has made special dinner requests for this week and since she helps me out around the house so much I am glad to oblige. Yesterday we had Fried chicken on the menu and today I am making enchiladas!!YUMMY!

Now to continue with my list of things I am thankful for

Today I am thankful for time and friendships. Time to spend with all the people who make a difference in my life. To all my family and friends because they help me be a better person just by being around them. They say that people come into your life for a reason , a season, or lifetime and I am grateful to all the people that have ever crossed my path.

New Moon is Here!!!!!!

I am SOOOO bummed that we are not going to the midnight showing tonight! I guess Monday will have to do. At least I know I'll in good company. I will just have to keep re-reading the book and watch Twilight again until then. I think I am more excited about going to see the movie than I was at the NKOTB concert. And that was very exciting. One more day until Thanksgiving break...woohoo! Oh well...til Monday!

Yet another Monday!

So I see that my blog is becoming my Monday therapy session. That's not necessarily a bad thing, just an observation. So much is going on that I just know this week is going to fly by. I spent the evening yesterday working on my turkey for school. I will have to take a picture for all to see. I am quite fond of it!

*The cowboys lost..boo! It's okay though because the Eagles lost too, so we are still in first place

for now. We'll see how they do against the Redskins next.

*Is it just me or is anyone else ready to get all the holiday decor out and get the tree and all the trimmings up? I can't wait anymore! I think I'll start slowly this week and have it all done by

Sunday. Haven't started any Christmas shopping but that will have to come later.

* Bloodwork coming up on Wednesday to make sure we are all clear for surgery on 12/09/09 so hopefully all will be great and we can move along. Need to make sure I have all my shopping done before then since I won't be able to drive! Gotta make a checklist to make sure I do all that needs to be done before then. UGH!

* Making my first ever caldo de pollo and it smells sooooo good! I just hope it tastes as good as it smells. Taking it with me for lunch tomorrow.

I like the giving thanks that some of my other friends are doing so on that note I thought I would add my own list for today and continue until Thanksgiving day.

Today I am thankful for my husband and my children who are all I live for! I am thankful for my mom and dad who have helped me to appreciate every day for what it is..a blessing from God! I am thankful for the my in-laws who go above and beyond to take care of me and my family! I am also thankful that I have such an awesome job that I absolutely love to wake up and go to every morning. I have had enough experience in the past where I would literally sit and watch the clock not move fast enough for me to get out of there, that working here is truly a blessing! I am thankful for such a great group of coworkers that I am happy to call friends!

Okay so before I get all teary eyed , (since I'm so emotional lately) I will continue my list at a later time.

Monday, Monday

When it's a Monday after the Cowboys defeat the Eagles, you know it's gonna be good. Work was great. I just love those kiddos! Never a dull moment that's for sure. Since the Cowboys did BEAT the Eagles it seemed only fitting to take in some cowboys action this evening. My brother told me that KRLD was doing a live remote from Dave & Buster's and guess who the special guest was...Myles Austin, who just happened to score the winning touchdown last night. We made it a family affair and my brother was there with his family , my sis, his brother -in -law, etc. It wasn't too crowded and my kids thought it was awesome since they had never been there before. All in all a pretty good night with some good pics.

TGIF

I received shot # 3 today and have bloodwork in two weeks to make sure I am clear for surgery. woohoo! I just hope that all the bloodwork comes back okay and we can get this over with already. I have faith that all will be well and this will soon be over.
The last two days of work were awesome. The kids are so great! They say the darnedest things sometimes. You can't help but laugh and smile. We read the story "The Beastly Feast" the other day and then had the students draw a picture of what they would like to bring to a class feast. They must have really taken the assignment to heart because the next day some of the kids showed up with bags of snacks like grapes, carrots, and popcorn. When asked what it was for their replies were " It's for our feast". How cute is that? I love being around 4 year olds all day!

Believe in Him!

It's Wednesday! YAY! I am so ready for this week to be over. While I'm at it let's just get next week over with too! I happened to be praying for guidance and understanding and for hope and faith and lo and behold the Lord has spoken and led me to Psalm 143 which I read and reread fighting the despair in my heart. I know now that He has a plan and I must trust in Him no matter what. A song came to mind that I had not heard in a long while and I can't get it out of my head it goes...Open the eyes to my heart, Lord..Open the eyes to my heart..I want to see you..I want to see you.
I believe all things will end up as is His will, I just have to pray to remember to have faith in Him. Things could always be worse, right?
Show me the path I should walk, for to you I entrust my life.

Just another manic Monday

Wish it were Sunday...cause that's my fun day...my I don't have to run day. That's my day in a nutshell. Actually we had a pretty great weekend. Spent Halloween with awesome friends and celebrated my baby boy's 5th birthday at Grandma's with the family. Saturday we all got dressed up and went trick or treating with friends. Marissa was an angel, Marcus was the red Power Ranger (his fave), Mario was an 80's hair metal rocker, and I was an Oreo cookie. Yes..an Oreo. We had a blast and I will have to post pics soon. Sunday my son turned 5 and Grandma wanted to have a cookout for him which was fine by me. We are going to try to have a party for him and his friends in a couple weeks with pony rides(through friend of friend), bounce house and of course...the pinata. Today work was great. About drove myself crazy trying to figure out what to wear to work tomorrow for 50's day but I think I found a winner. I got home and felt this sudden urge to rearrange the living room, put away Halloween decor, and prepare the spot for the Christmas tree which will be going up in the next 2-3 weeks. I figure I better go ahead and prepare now so that I can enjoy it while I am at home during my recovery period after surgery. I go in for my last shot this Friday and then bloodwork to make sure my white blood cells are up to go ahead with surgery. I can't wait for this to be over. I have this awful feeling that recovery is not going to be as easy as I would like it to be. It's going to be hard to not do anything like cooking, cleaning, and the like. I have some good books ready for reading to help the time go by. Time for bedtime stories and bed..so this rambling session has to end for today,

The storm has passed and all is well

The PTA snack sale came and went and all is well. It really isn't quite the dramatic event some make it out to be. This will be the LAST one I will be scheduling or being responsible for. No more! It's just not worth the drama. All of the drama could be so easily avoided by timely planning but...oh well. That's all I have to say about the matter. Movin' on...I was able to drop all classes and will have to repay a small portion of my loan. At least I hope it's a small portion. It was either that or drop next week with an "F" and owe no money. I am already on academic probation for some things that came back to haunt me from my rebellious phase in college back in 1995! I guess it's true what they say about things always coming back to bite you. I suppose it's for the best . I really did not want to have to do this , but it has been next to impossible to get to class and to find someone to tend to my children. We are down to one vehicle now and hubby has had a schedule (shift) change at work. (Thanks FED-EX!!) There was no way this was going to end well. I refuse to pick up my kids from someone's house so late (9:00 ish)and have someone else do what I, as a mother, am supposed to do for them. At least when Mario was here with them in the evening it was Daddy taking care of dinner and baths and homework. I can tell the kids are still adjusting to the changes. Once they were settled into their routine the shift change happened, which I might add was not by choice, and they had a hard time getting into the swing of things. I felt it best not to stir things up anymore by having to find a way to school and leaving them with relatives from 4:30 to 9:00 every weeknight. I am still trying to get over the whole guilt thing. Iwill go to school in the Spring, but I think this time I will be realistic about what I can actually take on. It's just so frustrating being so close to being done and not being able to finish. I guess that kind of goes back to the whole coming back to bite you thing in that I should have finished when I started many, many years ago! Life's lessons are funny like that. It's all going to be okay! Tomorrow is another day:)

dropping my classes

I really thought I was ready to take on the world , but the Lord has other plans for me. So many obstacles have come up and it is impossible to maintain a full time job, full time school, and a family life. I was doing really well at first and then everything just went wrong. Okay maybe not wrong , but at least not the way I had planned. I hate that I have to wait to become a teacher in the classroom. I know in my heart that this is what I want more than anything and I just have to accept that some sacrifices will have to be made. I have to come to the realization that I can NOT do everything. Maybe next semester things will be better and I can try again. Right now I have decided to take one day at a time. I can try to be superwoman some other time. Today is just not the day.