Reflections

It's mid morning and hubby has gone off to work, the children are still enjoying their sweet slumber, and all is quiet in the house. I try to go back to sleep and take advantage of the calm before the storm but try as I may I can not go back to sleep. I slowly trudge to to the kitchen and decide to pour myself a cup of coffee. Of course it is the last bit of coffee in the coffee pot, since hubby had his fill before he left and took some to go. I could get mad that I have to drink the last of the coffee but since I am taking part in the "Get Happy" Challenge I make an effort to be thankful that I at least get to enjoy one cup of coffee with my french vanilla creamer before I get on with my day. I decide to walk past the dishes left in the sink ignoring the remnants that my betrothed has left for me and leave them for later. Afterall I am only going to add to the stack already there once the kids are awake. I take my cup of coffee and open the blinds to the backyard to let the light shine in. As I sit at the computer desk looking out at the light rain beginning to fall I find myself in deep contemplation. So much has happened this year that I take a moment to reflect on the good as well as the bad that has transpired trying to make sense of it all and this is what I have learned.
As the year comes to an end I stop to consider what is going on around me. I see family getting evicted, financial woes that seem to never end , unrequitted love, regrets, failure to succeed, vices that take care over one's life, and no faith that any of this will ever be resolved. I look at the famliy getting evicted thinking that there should be more I can do but I can't. I do not have enough room in my small home for such a big family and feel guilty that I cannot do more. Not to mention the fact that if I take them in, it will cause major conflict with other family members who I rely on a daily basis for other needs. That is one crossfire I do not wish to be in the middle of. Does that make me a bad person for taking my own needs into consideration first? The financial woes have just gotten worse through out the year for everyone. We all seem to keep digging ourselves in deeper rather that getting out of the hole we are all in. I used to say when I was younger that I would never let my family go through what we had to. That I would do better so that my family would have better. Yet here we are repeating the same vicious cycle that are parents had to deal with and to some extent are still dealing with. The transition from the my last job to this one has been very difficult financially but I keep telling myself that once I have that degree in my hand it will have all been worth it. I could kick myself for not finishing college when I was younger before we had kids but no sense in looking back at what could've been . I need to put all that energy and focus into what needs to be done and do it! Better late than never. right? I have no regret in changing jobs although I do miss my old paychecks (esp the Christmas bonus). I still wouldn't change it for anything. I work with some amazing teachers who I have learned so much from and who I look forward to continue learning from. Not only are they amazing coworkers but some of my closest friends who I am so thankful for. Nothing worth it comes easy is what I keep telling myself so I can not wait to have my own classroom and that in itself is my motivation to keep moving forward. The Lord never gives you more than He knows you can handle right? So I have to look at things in that respect and believe that everything will always work out in the end. I never said it was easy. I have to remind myself that things could always be worse and our problems are small in comparison.

All you need is love....bababadada. We use to joke when we were first married that we didn't need any money we would live off love. It was easy to believe that then. It gets a little harder as time goes on and life weighs you down. It's easy to tell someone you love them but to show them is a whole different story. There are so many ways to love a person. You love your spouse, your kids, everyone in your family,and your friends. How can you make a conscious effort to show someone you love them? Easier said than done. Many people believe that money can buy happiness because with money you want for nothing. That may be true for some and maybe even for little while, but what happens when the money is gone? Then what? It's easy to complain about what people don't do rather than point out something positive they did do. Trust me, I've tried! I have come to realize that it is the simple things that make me happy and make me feel loved. That being the case for me, I figure the same goes everyone else. I like to be listened to not just heard. Little things like a touch, a handwritten letter or note, a text or email, spending time together doing anything, even just talking can be some of the most considerate things one can do for a loved one. A kind gesture of any sort done out of love and with no intention of receiving anything in return can be some of the most wonderful things one can do for another. It doesn't have to cost a thing. This topic brings to mind a friend who is in a relationship with someone who does not want to commit permanently. If you truly love the person then why wouldn't you want to spend the rest of your life with them bound in holy matrimony under the eyes of God? I say stop waiting and live your life to the fullest. I believe that there is someone for everybody and when it's right you just know. You really do! If it's not there then move on, don't waste your time waiting for something to change because if it's not there from the beginning it probably never will be.

Live your life and do what you want, when you want. Life's too short to live with regret. If something comes along and you find yourself asking "what if?", just do it (so long as no one else is hurt in the process). Find your passion in life and do something with it. There's nothing better than being able to do what you love for a living. It's then and only then that it is no longer a job or a chore. It's something you live for and love to do. It's fun! When you stop enjoying what you do it's time to move on and find something else. Believe it or not your attitude affects others around you and when you are miserable it makes everyone else around you miserable too. So do yourself and others a favor and do what you love!
As you embark on this journey called life I have learned that it is important to finish what you start. Failure is not an option! One can find success in many different ways. Attempt to finish the little things first before moving on to the big things on your list. It can be as small as finishing a book you started reading but never had time to finish to cleaning out your closet. We all need to be held accountable for our successes and failures. Make a list of what you want to accomplish. Start with a a long term goal and then break it down into smaller short term goals. This way you have to do the short term to achieve the ultimate long term goal. It's easier to understand what your expectations are when they are clearly written out. This way you and only you are held accountable for does or does not get done. I firmly believe that you can accomplish anything once you put your mind to it. You have to believe in yourself and then anything is possible.

I consider myself a simple person. I love my life. I love my husband and my children more than they could ever know. I love my family & friends and my job. I am content with what I have and though I do strive for better (as does everybody) I am not looking to live in a world consumed by materialism. I am cursed with being the eternal optimist and always trying to find the bright side of everything. Many around me do not look at things in the same way and that can can cause conflicts. It's these conflicts that confirm what I already know to be true... everything happens for a reason. Although it may seem that nothing makes sense there is always a greater power at work that wills these things to be. I have long stopped questioning why things happen and have come to just accept things for what they are and make the best of it. This has has been very hard to do when surrounded by naysayers who are always the "victim" of life and its downfalls. I am by no means a saint and I have my own imperfections and vices. I believe in the forgiveness of sins and try to live everyday a little bit better than the last. Things usually get worse before they get better. At the end of the day life is what you schoose to make of it. If I have learned anything at all this year it is this ...My faith is stronger than it has ever been and I feel more at peace knowing that the Lord is on my side.

Too much time to think!

Tomorrow will officially be two weeks since my surgery. I feel okay for the most part, until I try to over do it and then I feel the pain again. But somebody has to get things done around here! I hate just laying here or sitting here and taking it "easy". I don't even think I know how to do that. I feel like there is always something that needs to be done and I have to be the one to do it. My kids are the best ever and have really tried to get things done for me but they are only kids. My husband tries in his own way but maybe I am just being too hard on him. I have spent too much time reading posts on a website for women who have had hysterectomies recently and what they are going through and I have to admit that I am jealous! I want to feel like the pampered princesses I am reading about. I want everyone around me to do everything to my liking, but here in my real world it is not happening. I know we are both stressed with Christmas right around the corner and not being able to do near as much as we are used to for our kids or family but life goes on.
While I have been at home I have spent some time reading books and magazines. I think now would be a good time to exercise something that I read recently. I have decide to be a part of the Woman's Day magazine year-long "Get Happy Challenge". I like to think of myself as a pretty peppy person to begin with so I figure this shouldn't be too hard. However, since my surgery I feel really emotional and can be quite a crybaby. This month's challenge is ..........REMEMBER LOVE. Okay so what exactly does that mean? Well I read that even though we think that we act the way we do because of the way we feel it is quite the contrary. So since we act because of the way we feel it should be quite a challenge to remind myself to act the way I want to feel. I would like to commit to be less demanding of others and be happy for what I have. I would like to be able to appreciate others for what they are and not try to change them into something I think they should be. The writer of the article mentioned trying to be more tender and loving with her husband which at this point doesn't sound like a bad idea to me either. I will make a consciuos effort everyday to point out to my husband something he has done that makes me love him. I think sometimes we take for granted others around us. We expect things to be a certain way and when they are not we often make it a point to complain about it. What we should be doing is telling others how we feel about the "expected" things they do on a daily basis. It's the little things we seem to take for granted. It's also those same little things that our loved ones need to know we appreciate about them. Funny how we lose sight of the simple things in life. So I ask all of you to join me in this endeavor and commit to the Get Happy Challenge so that we can not only find happiness in ourselves but share it with those around us.

Been awhile

It has been a while since my last blog and so much has happened. Today is recovery day 6 from surgery. Just when I think I'm feeling better and can get back to normal ...there's a setback. Last Wednesday I had a laprascopic complete hysterectomy. Not by choice. I went in over the summer for my annual checkup and to discuss possibly having one more baby. Well to my dismay the doctor found some irregularities and told me carrying a baby would not be recommended. She wanted me to have few ultrasounds and bloodwork and what not, then finally came to the conclusion that I would need to have the procedure. She wanted to do it right away but found that I was too anemic to undergo any kind of surgery. We scheduled for October so that I could try some injection therapies to get me ready for surgery. Since it would require some time off, I decided to try to move the date to December to use our winter break to recover. The doctor was hesitant but we started the injections late due to some insurance issues so it would have to do. I did really well with the injections and was anxious to get this over with because the pain was getting worse. During this time I found out that my younger sister had been diagnosed with stage 1 ovarian cancer. Luckily it was caught early enough that they were hoping they could freeze the cells with injection therapies. So far this has worked. With this information I was even more anxious to get this done. So finally the day came. Al went really well except that I found out the hard way that me and anesthesia don't mix well. I was the first one in that morning and the last one out. It was performed at an out patient surgery center which still astounds me. They just get you in and out for pretty much anything nowadays. After a few exorcist moments I was finally able to go home. I was pretty doped up, so didn't feel much of anything until the next day. The next couple days felt like I had been beaten with a baseball bat. I tried to be superwoman and tell myself I did not need pain meds. I really hate the way they make me feel. I wised up quick and gave in to the power of pain relief. It has been reaaly hard for me to sit back and not be able to do anything around the house or for my family. When you're used to being the one who does everything it is very upsetting when you have to sit back and give up the reigns. You feel like a failure. To make matters worse there are only 10 days til Christmas and I was not able to prepare before surgery. I have the best kids though. They understand what the true meaning of Christmas is and are always happy with whatever they receive. They also know that it is always better to give than to receive. Today is the first day I have been able sit up for more than 30 minutes in an upright position. I am still feeling very dizzy and some pain on the left side but I know it will get better over time. I am very thankful to be surrounded by wonderful people who go out of their way to help me and for that I am blessed. I figure I will use this time to start some projects as soon as I feel better and see what happens. Wish me luck!

need to find my happy place

Today I want to talk, or rather vent about some things that are on my mind and really buggin' me. I try to be a good person and live my life accordingly. I do my best to help whenever and however I am able. Why is it that people can't be good to others just to be good to others? It seems that some people help others just to show them that they can and then expect immediate reciprocation of some sort. They are constantly judging your every move and making assumptions that are nowhere near the truth. If you are going to do something good and help someone out in a time of need, then do it because you truly want to. Do so because in your heart you know it is the right thing to do and you expect nothing from it in return. Don't bring it up constantly and boast to others of what you were able to do. If all you are going to do is complain about what you gave up to help someone then just save yourself the trouble and don't do it. If it is not done with sincerity in your heart then don't bother. If all you're going to do is make a spectacle of the whole thing then why did you even bother in the first place. Sincerity is lost in our culture. Why can't we just go back to a simpler time in life when everyone helped everyone else because that was the thing to do and you expected nothing in return but a "Thank You".